Wrestling Through Doubt
I trust God, I really do
But if I’m honest, I’m doubting too
I don’t doubt His goodness, nor His love
Nor His faithful provision, sent from above
What I doubt is driven by my human condition
My expectation of how and when He’ll bless me for pursuing His mission
I’ve denied myself to follow His will and surrendering dreams
But my deepest desire is following Him, whatever that means
I cycle through standing firm and confident, eyes fixed on the prize
And spiraling through questions, rethinking the past, which I know isn’t wise
He promises in the end, it will exceed what I ask, think, or imagine
I’m sure when I get there, and the door is finally open
I’ll look back and wonder how I ever hoped for less
But here in the waiting, Lord, I have to confess
I’m tired of waiting
Tired of wondering “when?”
I know that I’m growing
My faith has greatly deepened
I know there’s purpose, You have a reason
But still I wonder, “Lord, how long is this season?”
I don’t want to rush it, but at the same time I do
I don’t want to waste it, because I know it’s filled with you
I know it’s truly a gift, time I’ll never get back
But sometimes it’s hard to believe in you there’s nothing I lack
It’s not that I doubt it, there’s just this gap
Between knowing and feeling, and I forget you’ve given me a map
A guide to understand what faith truly means
Confidence in what’s hoped for, and assurance of what’s unseen
You say, “my grace is sufficient,” I want that to be true
So how do I keep from cycling through?
Resting in the peace of your presence, your Word guiding me,
And wrestling with the longing for more—that which I can’t yet see?
But in that I realize I have quite the nerve
To demand blessing and dictate what I deserve
To expect your gift of grace to fit my desires
Instead of longing for yours, which are so much higher
I know you’re there, aching with me,
Whispering, “oh child, if you only knew how beautiful it will be”
(incomplete)
…
06.19.24
